AMERICUS — When you’re the parent of a teenager, it’s hard to find the right balance between developing independence and trust and providing needed oversight.  A teen’s peer group takes precedence over family activities.  As your teenager begins to drive, maintain a separate social life, and embrace social media, parents understandably feel out of the loop.

A big question parents have:  How closely should I monitor my teenager’s activities?  While any parent should want to promote growing independence as teens move toward adulthood, a concern for structure and safety calls for some parental oversight.

Following are a few common-sense ideas for finding the ideal compromise between being too far out of the loop and being too intrusive or untrusting.



Assessing your teen’s risk level

Face it:  it’s always okay for parents to know where their teens are and what they’re doing.  The problem arises in determining the degree to which parents need to have details of their teens’ activities, and to what extent parents should check behind adolescents’ to confirm what they’ve been told.

As your teenager ages, you will normally provide less and less direct oversight.  However, you don’t want to give teens more freedom than they are equipped to handle.  What is the degree of risk your adolescent poses when your front door closes behind them?  Numerous factors affect the answer.  Before deciding the degree of supervision you should provide, consider the following:

• Age and maturity.  In general, an older teen will have more experience away from home and be less likely to act impulsively than a younger one. As a child moves toward adulthood, apply decreasing levels of supervision whenever possible.  Keep in mind, however, that some teens exhibit maturity beyond their years, while we all know grown-ups who still act like kids!  Evaluate your teen’s maturity level by considering the degree of responsible and dependable behavior you see at home and with schoolwork.

• Track record. Has your teenager demonstrated trustworthiness to you?  Or do you see patterns of acting out or secretive behavior?  The old truism is accurate:  the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

• Social environment.  The environment in which your teen travels should influence to what extent you monitor comings and goings.  A rural or small-town environment presents different challenges than an urban one.  The peer group with whom your son or daughter hangs out is also important – is it a “fast” crowd, or do they gravitate toward more low-key group activities?

• Emotional state.  If your teenager is having peer problems from being the new kid at school, or a parental separation is creating a sense of imbalance in his life, pay attention.  Teens often act more recklessly when they feel depressed or anxious.  Talk with your teen about any emotional issues that are creating difficulty, get professional help if needed, and keep a more watchful eye.



Providing watchful oversight

Once you establish the degree of actual trust, and implied risk, with which you’re comfortable, look at appropriate ways to monitor your teen’s activity.  The following methods are listed in an order which reflects an increasing level of supervision or oversight:

• Honor system.  For a son or daughter whose record of reliability and honesty is largely unblemished, a parent’s role may be as simple as where they’re going and what they’re doing, in general terms.  However, be prepared to provide consequences if your rules aren’t honored.

• Periodic spot checks.  A typical teenager isn’t going to end up in jail after a night out.  But that teen may be quite willing to stretch the rules a bit.  Be prepared to make periodic spot checks or check-ins.  For example, ask your teenager to call you at a designated time during an evening away from home.  Or check with another parent about a group activity – there’s strength in numbers!

• Regular monitoring.  If your teenager has a history of frequent or serious rule violations, increase the degree of oversight provided.  Ask your teenager to call or text regularly at designated times, make follow-up calls yourself, and impose tougher curfews.

• Direct oversight.  Some teenagers’ newfound sense of independence leads to rule-breaking at every opportunity.  If a teen has gotten in trouble at school or with the authorities, for example, “house arrest” may be needed.  Allow your teenager to invite friends over when an adult is there or to attend group events when a responsible adult is also present, but don’t provide unsupervised social time until they have earned their way off probationary status.  Parents often ask about checking for drugs with their teens.  However you normally feel about privacy and trust, don’t put your child’s welfare at risk.  If warning signs appear, don’t hesitate to be aggressive in checking for drug use.

Regardless of the method used, make sure that your teen understands your rules and expectations, as well as consequences for violating them.  Build an atmosphere of respect and trust with your teens, and encourage honesty by demonstrating that telling the truth about a rule infraction will result in fewer consequences.  Explain to your teen – and remind yourself – that following up about plans and activities is not done to undermine, but to support your adolescent as he or she moves toward greater independence.  As a parent, you will always worry about your children, but you won’t be responsible for their daily oversight!



A local approach

At Providence Psychological Services, families are the centerpiece of all services provided.  Whether working in a business, school, home, or clinic environment, psychologist Dr. Laura DePaola believes that family dynamics are central to many behavioral problems that individuals experience.  

“The family often provides a context for the behaviors that one sees in adolescence,” DePaola explains.  If you don’t consider the entire family, you may be missing important factors. While typically one individual in a family is the identified ‘client,’ the entire family may contribute to the behavior or inadvertently reinforce it.  Providing treatment outside of a family context is not ideal.  Once the individual walks back into the home, all the old dynamics that may have helped create difficulties are still in play. Family therapy, however, can be a very healing experience for the whole family.”

A clinical psychologist by training, DePaola established Providence Psychological Services fourteen years ago, after working in a variety of community mental health and juvenile justice settings.  After receiving her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Alabama nearly twenty years ago, DePaola pursued an interest in working with families at every opportunity. She has additional training in marriage and family therapy and is a certified substance abuse professional.  Over the course of the past two decades, she has run home-based crisis teams, provided therapy and assessment services to thousands of children, adolescents, and adults, and served as an expert witness in area courtrooms.

Providence Psychological Services is located at 615 Barlow St., Americus, and also provides a weekly clinic in Cordele.  For further information or to schedule an appointment, call 229-928-9887.



Pam Davis is a non-profit organizational consultant and freelance writer who specializes in mental health and elder care issues. The former executive director of Middle Flint Behavioral HealthCare, she has consulted with a variety of other local organizations, including the Rosalynn Carter Institute, Perry Wellness Center, Georgia Southwestern State University, and Providence Psychological Services. For further information, contact her at metter1@bellsouth.net